He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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