Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
