I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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