he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
