im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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