one two three fourrrrnication!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
