Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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