dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
