I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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