How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
