i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
