He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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