my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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