Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
