Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
