i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
