i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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