life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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