I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
