I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
