watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
