I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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