I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
