Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
