no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
