yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My life is pants optional.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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