we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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