I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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