That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
