My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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