you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I accidentally had phone sex last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize