whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
