New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
