all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
