Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
