WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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