Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
