new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
