I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
