I'd wear matching sweaters with you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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