brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
