There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
