I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
