Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
