I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
