new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
