i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
did i walk over a car last night?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
