rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
