sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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