Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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