He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
