How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
