Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
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