Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
