Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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