she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
