My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
