I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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