this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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