Have you finally orgasmed yet?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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