So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
