3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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