Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
