So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
